why oh why?

so i've been studying for algebra the whole day, spending all day at the campus' coldest spot, the library. i've been trying so hard to get every info about algebra in my head, but i just couldn't. this is too much. in a very short time too. but still, i tried.

after all those brain freeze, when i couldn't stand it anymore, i just walked out. i walked and walked until it is time for Asar prayers. so i stopped by the musolla nearby.

that was when i get the shocking news. i received a call from my financial management lecturer, mr.S. and he had informed me that my test 1 answer sheet is missing. and i was like, what the heck? and he asked, "did you even go to the test?" and i replied, "of course i did." i mean, how could i not come to that test? he did the test on my birthday. that fact was not to be forgotten, ever. then the hormone imbalance came. at first, i had calmly received the news. then i went on praying. but, as i was stepping out of the musolla, something just struck. all of the sudden. and tears starts trickling down. very fast. i was in campus, a public place, so i felt that i just had to go and hide in a toilet. so i did. and i cried. feels that all the tears i shed was all the emotions and the stress i felt from what i was getting this semester, all being flowed out at that moment.

the last time i remembered crying that hard was post-SPM result. and dhiya became my victim. i was so shocked that i was unable to bring myself up. i was extremely disappointed in myself. i just stayed in the toilet, weeping.

why? why must it be that subject? why me, not someone else? i know i've messed up, big time, but don't judge me like this. that was just a one-time misjudgement and a mistake. i don't deserve this shock. ibarat sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.

it took quite a long time, and a phone call before i managed to pull myself together again. yeah, i called syaz and told her what had happened. she was shocked for she had never guessed that i was even capable to cry that hard.

then, seeing that i could walk again and all tears had dried up, i went out and had a walk around campus. i can't go back and continue studying. that would make me even more worse. i should clear my head. so i walked and walked, until i arrived at my faculty. and then i just went on to use the computer kiosk. and do my routine check. and read blogs.

thank you very much, aqilah amin. you manage to make me laugh with this entry.
serius, saya gelak sorang-sorang dalam fakulti. kuat sangat. nasib baik tak ada orang yang berhampiran waktu itu. kalau tak, mesti orang kata saya dah gila. because of that entry, i was able to smile again for rest of the day.